Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.