Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

But wait…

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”