Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back