I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
It’s an epidemic…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
