I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you