Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.