I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Ain’t no way
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK