@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

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@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@IGotsSmarts

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

@TheAlexNevil

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

@jergarl

Wife: Were you drunk last night?

Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?

W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos

M: Ohhh

@LucTabone

My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.

@ItsMeHelenMary

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

@rachelle_mandik

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

@RickAaron

I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.

@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.