I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

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When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.


Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.


Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.


Wife: Were you drunk last night?

Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?

W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos

M: Ohhh


My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.


My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.


[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…


I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.


Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.