I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
relationship goals
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.