@LemmingDad
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
@JulianLeeComedy
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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@LemmingDad
@IGotsSmarts
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
@skickwriter
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
@TheAlexNevil
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
@jergarl
Wife: Were you drunk last night?
Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why?
W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos
M: Ohhh
@LucTabone
My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.
@ItsMeHelenMary
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
@rachelle_mandik
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
@RickAaron
I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.
@ibid78
Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.