FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”
The greeting cards that best express my sentiments for every occasion are the ones marked “Blank Inside.”
You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.
me: babe come quick
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.