I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Ironic
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.