I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair