Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

This is me 🤣🤣

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

tis the season

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.