Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.