I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I have obtained a hat
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Can Happiness buy money?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord