I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.