Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.