Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys