Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.