Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

When a shoelace touches your ankle

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago