Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

this site is so cooked lol

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!