Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!