Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

money maker

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

But that’s none of my business

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.