Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.