I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Go hard or stay average
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???