Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

you have three unread messages

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?