I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
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[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master