I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?![]()
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Put this video in the Louvre
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.