Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks