I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*