I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
lmfao