I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.