I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
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I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.