I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
North and South
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.