I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.