I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.