I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
how to have fun when you’re poor
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.