I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I don’t get marriage
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Bond. Trauma bond.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls