Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”