Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

I’m crying im so happy for them

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.