Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Covert ops

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.