Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

scrabbled eggs

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK