Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!