Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”