I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.