I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”