Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald