I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.