Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

🧠

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”