I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
long lost
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
kids play hide and seek like
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.