I’ve laughed so hard 馃槶馃槶
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that鈥檚 not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My man put me on eBay, that鈥檚 right, I got bidnapped
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
In my 20s: I鈥檒l show them
In my 30s: I probably won鈥檛 show them
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
no officer these drugs aren鈥檛 mine i stole them
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
WTF IS THAT!
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she鈥檚 sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter