I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook