I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!