I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Good Morning.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.