I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.