I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
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Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
pizza
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Never ghost your hitman.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.