I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The two types of wives
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.