I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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Morningbreath
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uh oh
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
#FunnyLife Insects
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If you know, you know
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”