I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
