Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I gave up going to work for lent.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.