I鈥檝e learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can鈥檛 understand what the fuck anyone is saying 馃榾
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It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyonc茅. It’s the only way to be safe.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
why aren鈥檛 GMOs called faking an organism
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
welp
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let鈥檚 go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind鈥檚 really pickin up
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
If I give out nudes now, it鈥檚 extremely unfair to the nudes I didn鈥檛 give out before.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what鈥檚 my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.