Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day