I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Herpes is trending, good job people
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The glockness monster
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.