Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.