Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.