Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

the duality of man

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Real House Wines.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?