Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

I’m tired tomorrow.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide