Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit