I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
#damn
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night