@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

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@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@KenJennings

Nice job, whoever chose the word “monosyllabic” for that.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@Mr_Kapowski

Is my iPhone named Freedom?

Yes

Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

@LuvPug

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

@pimecorp

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

@ktmcburr

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@KalvinMacleod

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.