I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Nice job, whoever chose the word “monosyllabic” for that.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Is my iPhone named Freedom?
Do I never pick up phone calls on it?
Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Rage eats candy
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.