@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

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@AlexvanBeek

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

@pittdave13

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

@LazyGinger

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

@FormerGrunt

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

@bea_ker

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.

@Mikecanrant

The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*

@Reverend_Scott

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*