@iinkedZombie
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
@imadepoopstoday
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
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@iinkedZombie
@FaisalAdam_
Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”
@sixfootcandy
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
@Parentpains
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
@daemonic3
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
@shkeeber
Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*
Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Making carrets!
Mom: Carrots?
Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*
Cat: *yowls*
@Juicedballs
cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks
me: Getting rid of it?
cw: Have to, why?
me: Is cats it’s only defect?
@UnFitz
Who called it attending a seminary instead of cross training?
@elle91
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
@CCRuns
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?