@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

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@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@sixfootcandy

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@shkeeber

Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*

@Juicedballs

cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks

me: Getting rid of it?

cw: Have to, why?

me: Is cats it’s only defect?

@UnFitz

Who called it attending a seminary instead of cross training?

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

@CCRuns

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?