When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
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No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.
I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*