I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”


Nice job, whoever chose the word “monosyllabic” for that.


People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”


Is my iPhone named Freedom?


Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring


Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it


my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated


I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy


I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.