I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.


Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”


ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.


Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.


Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”


Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*


cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks

me: Getting rid of it?

cw: Have to, why?

me: Is cats it’s only defect?


Who called it attending a seminary instead of cross training?


“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography


The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:


Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?