Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You Might Also Like
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Mouse
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
And that about sums it up.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.