Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Interior design 👌

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there