Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

*Seductively hides in the woods

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Hmmmmm

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?