Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.