Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao 😁

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow