“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Not now. I’m deglazing.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..