I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
good for her
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.