I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?