I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
How to woo a woman
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you