I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*3.5 thank you very much.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real