me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Tier 3 meme
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.