Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Bruh

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.